What’s the worst feeling in the world? I’m sure there are many contenders, but I think first place in my book goes to the feeling of being inadequate.
I know I vent a lot on this blog (it’s part of why I started it – because I needed an outlet), and you might be sick of reading my never ending complaints and roll your eyes out at me spilling my emotions all over the internet – but sad news for you, that’s exactly what I’m going to be doing in the next few paragraphs. Continue reading at your own discretion.
Apart from the feeling of inadequacy, there is one other emotion that competes for first place in my league for “worst feeling in the world”. It’s that feeling you get the instant you hear something you don’t want to hear. I’m sure it has a name that I’ve yet to identify (dread? anxiety?), but it’s an emotion I can recall clearly because it’s something I’ve felt so strongly before. People often describe it as a “sinking feeling”, and I’m inclined to agree that this is an appropriate name because of the physical sensation that goes along with it – the feeling that your heart is sinking.
Over the past few weeks it’s sadly something I’ve experienced more than once – and like many emotions, this “sinking feeling” usually develops into another feeling (for me, anyway) – and that is of the one I first mentioned – the feeling of being inadequate.
I wrote about confidence earlier last month. It’s still something I’m struggling with and there are times I think I’m handling it better. But there are times when I’m not. And this is one of those times.
The end of the year is always a contemplative season for me. That can be a good thing for self-reflection and improvement, but it can be a bad thing too – there is a very fine line. And lately I’ve been finding myself on the wrong side of that line. Things that I haven’t been able to control, words that have been said that can’t be taken back, decisions I wish I had made earlier, and overthinking have caused me to react in a negative way.
Truthfully, I’m feeling so lost right now and extremely inadequate. I want to not let it affect me but I can’t keep pushing feelings like this away because I think that’s unhealthy (someone tell me where the balance is?!). There’s a quote somewhere that says comparison is the thief of joy and I can wholeheartedly agree with those words right now. Looking around and seeing people who are “better” than me or in a more desirable situation, and then comparing myself and feeling inadequate and hopeless is the opposite of productive or constructive. Yet why do I keep doing it?
I keep trapping myself into thinking I’m not where I’m supposed to be because x, y and z are ten steps ahead of me in the life game and I’m still in the same situation as I was a few years ago. I’m constantly comparing myself to others, telling myself I’m behind in life or skills or career or relationships and that I’m going nowhere. But when did life become so competitive? I can blame a few things – social media, upbringing, schooling.. And this might be true in part, but the biggest blame goes to me. When did I set the standard of success or #goals to be someone else’s life?
Practically, I think I need to take a step back. I need to appreciate the progress I’ve made and all the beautiful people and things around me, and figure out what I can do to improve my attitude and situation. Then I need to actually manifest and act on those ideas and plans. Although things may not go the way I want, I refuse to go backwards or be stationary during this time.