A spontaneous post —

Since becoming unemployed, my weekdays have been filled with an extra 8 hours. Although I’ve been quite anxious about losing my main source of income, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Here’s one thing that’s been on my mind.

I’ve come to the realisation that my self-confidence is not in a healthy state, and probably has never been, really.

It’s definitely lowered greatly because of my current circumstance, but I think I had very little confidence to begin with. I haven’t figured out where this insecurity has stemmed from, although I’m glad I’ve come to this epiphany so I can start taking action!

Since I’m at a bit of a crossroads right now, I’ve been looking into different fields of work and study that I think might interest me. I’ve noticed that throughout my researching, there are some very commonplace thoughts that dwell on my mind when I come across something that piques my interest: ‘I think I would be really bad at that’, ‘what if I suck at it?.. better not’, ‘I don’t have enough knowledge/passion in x so I’ll probably not do well if I decide to try y‘. It’s so ironic, especially because studying is all about learning!

This lack of confidence isn’t just limited to my job/study searching, but to almost all aspects of my life. There are times I look into the mirror and dislike my face – my dark circles, my acne scars, the weird skin pigmentation above my lips, the way my hair sits… Many times I’ll come out of a social gathering envying others.

I even criticize my own personality (and not in the good way). There are times when I’ll be very quiet because I’m afraid people won’t like what I say or because I’m afraid of coming off as tacky or ‘cringey’. And I think it’s a very sad thing that I think like this, because it hinders my ability to enjoy and to form close relationships with people.

Even tonight, I’ve come to the revelation that I’m afraid of the ‘post’ button. That little button on Facebook and Instagram and WordPress (albeit, ‘publish’), and just about every other social media platform on the internet causes me so much anxiety. There’s always a small moment of panic right before I press it. A hundred thoughts go through my brain – ‘what if I offend/annoy someone?’, ‘what if people think I’m weird or trying too hard?’, ‘I hope not many people see it.. but then what if I get no likes? Am I really that unpopular?’. All of these intrusive messages replaying in my head over and over again…

It’s also affected my creative process. I think too much about “if people will like it” or “if it’ll be good enough”, and have more or less forgotten about ‘creating art for art’s sake’. Deep down inside me, I can feel the gears in my head whirring when I have an idea, but I always give myself excuses not to create because ‘I have other things I need to do first’, when really I’m just insecure.

Mind you – I’m not here implying that I should spam everybody’s feeds with my posts and photos, or not think about what I do/say before acting… But maybe, just maybe… My confidence shouldn’t come from other people’s affirmation or what I think they’ll like. Perhaps the way I see myself shouldn’t be so negative. Perhaps I shouldn’t be afraid of trying things with the possibility of failing or looking a little silly sometimes.

Truthfully, I’ve been feeling frustrated with myself. I know I’ve missed out on so many opportunities because of this mindset, and I don’t want to miss out on more because I’m afraid of failure or the unknown.

To rectify my headspace, I’ve been taking small steps. I know it’s not something I can fix immediately, and that it may even be years before I feel comfortable with myself and comfortable with approaching new things..  But for now, slow progress is still progress. Learning to slowly start talking to people again, not being so afraid of writing comments online (with some caution!), or posting about what I love to do and creating content!

And most of all.. acknowledging where my confidence should come from! As a Christian, I know my worth doesn’t come from my works or how ‘good’ of a person I am, but through Him – the One who created me. It’s something I often read and hear (and have even taught once!), but honestly don’t think I have ever fully applied in my life.

[2 Corinthians 3:4-5] Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.

My value doesn’t come from what I’ve done, but from what God’s done. And I should be confident in living, because even if I fail at times – I know He has a great plan for me!

— Deborah

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P.S. Look forward to all my spam 😉

P.P.S Relatively short and unpolished post – but that’s how I could describe myself as well!

2 Comments on “con • fi • dence

  1. Pingback: a new look – 🐝 abraca-deborah

  2. Pingback: lacking – 🐝 abraca-deborah

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