Hey, it’s been a while! In fact, exactly a month.. I’m not sure why I haven’t really been posting lately. I think I just haven’t felt like there’s been anything that I want to write about (and I don’t want to spam my blog with just photo posts).
So here’s a post just for the sake of it. When I started writing I had no idea what it would be about, but by the end it turned out to be a pretty long emotional vent.. Something to benefit me more than you, dear reader.
I’m good, thanks. That’s the answer everyone generally gives when someone asks them how they are or how they’ve been.
Over the past month (okay, probably longer than a month) or so I’ve been trying to get more social, despite my general awkwardness and introverted personality. There are a few ways I’ve been doing this, either through spending more time on my current friendships or communicating with those I wouldn’t normally. Call me lame, but one of the ways I’ve been achieving the latter is by joining a few penpal websites (and hey to anyone who found my blog through that, thanks for checking it out!). This generally involves a lot of initial small talk with people asking “how I am”. Usually I’ll just reply with something like “I’m good, thanks! How are you??” because it’s such an automated answer that everyone gives and expects, even if they’re actually doing terribly. It’s just common courtesy to ask, I guess.
Sometimes it does make me wonder though, how I’m actually doing. I’m not talking about general feelings like I had a chimichanga for breakfast so I’m doing pretty well today, but last night I was just so tired from binge watching David Attenborough documentaries all day. I’m talking about overall – physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, everything. Like, as a person. How am I actually doing?
…Okay, let’s be honest. In comparison to the people around me, I’m doing pretty crap. I won’t go through a massive list of reasons because who the hell wants to read 1000 words of complaining? If you read previous posts you’ll probably get an idea anyway, so let me sum it up in three words: I’m a mess.
Sometimes I think I’ll be making progress in a certain area of my life, but I’ll end up backsliding in another. How do other people do this? I’ve never understood how people (especially adults) are so good at holding it all together. Part of me knows that I’ll probably never “feel like an adult” or have my life where I want it to be. I mean, is that okay? Is it okay to feel like you’ll never get there? I think another part of me has already accepted that and as long as I’m still making an effort to move forward and make progress, it’s something I’m okay with.
Anyway, so there are two main reasons I hopped on the “people” train. The first is simple enough: because I’m socially awkward and I want to fix that. The second one… Well, that gets a bit complicated.
I don’t think I’ve ever explicitly mentioned or written about it on here before, but a few months ago I went through a breakup. It wasn’t a bad breakup – in fact, it was probably the best breakup I’d ever been through (and fyi I know you still visit this blog on occasion so thanks for your support!). But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
You see, I’m the type of person that gets very idealistic and attached when it comes to romantic interests. Whoever it may be, this person will always be on my mind, and even when they’re not, you can bet that I’ll come across something that will somehow remind me of them, no matter how minuscule that connection may be. No matter how busy I am, I’ll find a way to put a large amount of my time, attention and energy into that one person.
In other words, I get extremely clingy.
So why am I saturating myself in friendships? Because for once in my life, I don’t have that person anymore.
Ever since primary school, I feel like I’ve always had to have a love interest. I think a lot of people find it strange, but it’s just how I’ve been and it’s never something I’ve been able to properly figure out. In high school I did come to the conclusion that without a love interest I’d feel a little empty, like there was something missing (a void, it’s been termed) but I never felt that way for long because there was always someone nearby to crush on. Of course this made my relationships a little confusing sometimes, because it was possible that I only felt romantically attracted to a person because I “needed” to.
Right now I’m in the unique position of not being romantically attracted to anyone for the first time in a long time. It most likely has to do with the fact that I’m not in a high-school type situation anymore and I don’t find anyone attractive (that way, at least) in other environments I’m regularly in. In a way, I guess it’s a good thing because I always felt like that feeling of necessity wasn’t healthy, however this makes things really difficult on me because it’s what I’ve grown accustomed to.
Over the past few months I’ve been attempting to put all that energy, time and effort that I usually put into one person, into different friendships. And to an extent, I think it’s been working. I’ve grown to appreciate people more and I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful friends in my life. I’ve learned to love people even when I can hardly stand some, and come to the realization that everyone really is individual – people have different beliefs, opinions and are at different stages of their life. It’s kind of “opened my eyes”, in a way; so for that I’m thankful.
However I can’t say that there aren’t negatives to this approach I’ve taken. Due to the nature of my predicament, naturally I’ll always end up gravitating towards one person more than anyone else.
And it’s a real pain.
It basically feels like all of that romantic energy and emotion, including all the habits and thoughts and longing, is transferred into a different kind of feeling – one that is similar in nature and intensity, but not at it’s core. Thankfully this person is cool and knows what’s up, but I know for a fact that this sort of obsession (dare I call it????) isn’t right at all, because it demands so much from both parties and will never satisfy me as much as a romantic relationship would (and even that isn’t enough at times)..
This is what’s been frustrating and consuming me so much for the past few days, to the point where it’s almost been unbearable. Talking about it simply isn’t enough anymore, and I especially don’t want to impose this topic of conversation so regularly onto my friends, because I’m afraid that it’ll just make me a nuisance, you know??
And do you know what else isn’t so ideal about this?
It doesn’t help fill the void.
If anything, it intensifies the feeling of loneliness and hollowness I have. It causes me to do things that I don’t want to do; to spend time on things that are counterproductive and to overthink and worry unnecessarily. I loathe feeling this way.
What’s ironic is that maybe I’ve forever known in my heart that there is nothing on this earth that could ever satisfy me or fill this emptiness I’m feeling – I know there’s only one answer and if you know me well enough then I’m sure you know Who I’m talking about. I know if I lay it all down before Him, legitimately pursue an active relationship with Him and give everything to Him… Then I know I’ll be okay in the end.
I just need to be willing to take that step.
I don’t know what’s stopping me or has been stopping me for so long. I know I have a relationship with God but it’s not where I want it to be and I don’t know why. I think I’ve learned to grow content with where I am in my faith and to me, that is a very scary thought.
But a healthy relationship requires efforts from both sides, and while He has been making it very apparent to me that He loves me and cares for me and wants me, I haven’t been reciprocating. I don’t know whether it’s a lack of motivation or the aforementioned comfort, but whatever it is, I need to overcome it. I’m not implying that all my problems will go away just because I have Jesus – rather that they will be easier to overcome because I won’t be going though them alone and I’ll be relying on His strength and strategies rather than my own. In other words… I know He has my back.
I just really hope I can get through this.