Feeling like a real nut job rn because I’m comparing Scrubs (the TV show) to having friends (not the TV show).. Tbh I’ve been feeling alone lately, so here are some thoughts about friendships that don’t always last. Precaution: Extra cheese tonight, so if you’re not into cliches and deep and meaningfuls, stop reading this now!

Less than an hour ago, I finished a TV series called Scrubs (ummm, excluding Season 9 which is apparently more like a crappy spin off). Although I started this series months ago, for some reason I never got to the end until tonight..

Don’t get me wrong – I loved every bit of it. I loved the balance of comedy and drama, I loved all the characters (though to be honest, Elliot did get on my nerves sometimes) and I loved JD’s never ending inner monologues, especially the ones at the end of every episode. I loved the way it portrayed different relationships, and the bromance going on between Turk and JD, and all of the crazy daydreams that JD would have. It was funny and entertaining and beautiful all at once, and despite the series being a bit older than what I usually watch, it was still really relatable and took me on a heartfelt journey.

..So then why did it take me so long to finish??

I guess people might find me kind of strange for thinking about things that are so mundane. Like, it’s just a TV show. Who cares if I decide not to watch all of it? It was made for entertainment anyway and there are always better things to do.. right? But the thing is, I think the reason why I didn’t want to finish watching this show lies a little deeper than just me being lazy or wanting to do something else.

Over the past few days I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship. I’ve mentioned before how I wasn’t really able to make any friends when I went to university or college, and how sometimes people take my shyness for being snobby. I feel like I say this a lot, but if you didn’t know already, I’m an extremely sentimental person – the kind that keeps things that people make for me, even if its just like a card or something. You can imagine all the things I have in my room.

Not long ago I needed to find a specific Facebook conversation that I had a while back. I didn’t remember when this conversation took place or what the exact words being said were, so it took me some time until I could locate it. Inevitable as it was, I stumbled across all my old Facebook conversations. I never really open my inbox because I’ve never needed to – the popups on my phone and web browser are enough. But wow, I went on a serious trip down memory lane. See, I almost never delete messages. I’m that creep that rereads conversations over and over again and get nostalgic about every tiny detail.

So you can guess what happened. I skimmed through all those threads that were just collecting dust – conversations I had with people who.. I don’t with now. People I used to talk to on a daily basis. People who I told all my secrets to. People who were just not in my life anymore. And these conversations were so long and detailed as well – about life, about love, about school, about.. everything.

.. What happened?

Yeah, you already know.

Things happened. Things changed. People happened. People changed.

Reading those conversations made my heart feel so heavy because they represented more than just pixels on a screen. All those hours of typing and communicating represented multiple friendships that I no longer had.

There are so many reasons why a relationship between two people can end, whether it’s drama, falling out of contact, not being around them enough anymore or even… when someone stops trying. As someone who hasn’t been studying this year and is not very social, I’ve hardly made any new friends as of late – on the contrary, it feels as though I’m losing friends faster than I’m gaining them. As a result, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about friendship and people I’m not close to anymore. My brain tends to wander off, so of course the subsequent thoughts that come to my mind after realizing these things are somewhat depressing. Will the friendships I have now last? Will I end up old and alone without any friends like Mr. Fredricksen at the beginning of Up? What did happen to all those relationships I had with all those people?

Really, all this thinking and wondering made me realize just how much I hated goodbyes.

I don’t think I’ve ever really had any “closure” when it comes to ended friendships. All those conversations and relationships I had before just kind of.. drifted away, really. I mean, maybe we tried to keep in contact but something changed and one of us just felt like it wasn’t worth it anymore and that was the end of that. No goodbyes. No heartfelt speeches. No farewell gifts. And definitely no background music (movies are lies). It was just time taking its toll. Talking daily turned into talking sometimes, turned into an occasional “What’s up?” , turned into contacting them once a year to wish them “Happy Birthday”, turned into liking their photos on Instagram when they showed up on your feed. Eventually, you move on and forget.

So this is why I didn’t want Scrubs to end. I didn’t want to say goodbye to something that I invested so many hours of my life, my time and my emotions into. Crazy as it was, this show really did make me think a lot about the people around me, and about how many people were no longer around me.

How depressing.

But also.. how beautiful.

How beautiful that you get to be a part of someone’s life, even if for just a short time? How beautiful that someone can be a part of your life, make you smile, comfort you when you need it, tell you what’s what and be a total idiot around, even if for just a short time? Perhaps even beautiful in its own way because it is fleeting?

So this is to all my past friends: Thank you. Thank you for being there and allowing me into your life. Thank you for all the fun times and all the serious ones. Thank you for your time, your effort, and your love.

And to all my present and future friends: I’m grateful for having you in my life. I’ve drawn to the conclusion that I’ll cherish every moment I’m with you, because there’s always a chance that it won’t last forever.

And I hope that you’ll do the same.

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